


By God, make me scream

by nightmarecatcher



Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: 18th Century, Canon Gay Character, Consensual Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Top John, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightmarecatcher/pseuds/nightmarecatcher
Summary: The night after their disastrous conversation in the stables of Helwater, Jamie visits John's bedroom, to make the most unexpected confession.
Relationships: Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	1. Free the truth

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, who decided to give a chance to my story!! To be completely honest, I am not entirely sure about this whole context, but decided to share it anyways^^ I really hope someone will enjoy it. PS English is not my first language, so there might be some grammatical mistakes in my writing.

Helwater, 1758

Heavy fog of melancholy and despair had taken over his mind, growing thicker with every slow minute. John Grey was motionlessly lying on his bed, still fully dressed, replaying the memory of the scene in the stables again and again. 

How could he speak those filthy words? How could Fraser anger him to this point? The answer is simple to the latter question; an insult from Jamie Fraser hurt a hundred times more than from anyone else in the world. Also, his heart was already torn apart by the events of the past months... Lord John wasn't entirely himself, and he could feel how fast he was straying further from strength every day as the date for the court martial was coming up.

Love can't exist between two men, according to Jamie. Only gross lust and selfish desires. John had always known the Scot's genuine opinion on his kind, but phrased so crudely appeared to have painful effect on his soul. So painful he couldn't help fighting back impulsively, without thinking about the words he was going to say. 

Now their friendship was shattered again. Even if they'd be able to keep up a civilized conversation in the future, the atmosphere between them would be more than awkward. Not to mention the never fading knowledge lingering in Grey's mind that he'd hurt Jamie, the man whom his heart tirelessly loved, the one he'd never wished to harm. But for God's sake, Jamie hurt him too! His accusations are beyond outrageous, absolutely unforgivable!

Lord John determined to avoid meeting the paroled prisoner for as long as possible. Although running from our problems is never a solution, he concluded it is the best for them. Time might heal the wounds and calm anger. 

For a moment, he had a sudden feeling of homesickness, but at the same time he could not think of a place, a person, or anything that he would call home. He wished nothing more than finally leaving the Dunsany's estate, yet he didn't want to return to London - to Percy, to the memories, to the society that expected so much from him, including the betrayal of his stepbrother, who was also his erstwhile lover. 

'...I could make you scream. And by God, I would do it.'

Grey himself sensed an excessive urge to scream after his own words echoed in his mind. This is what really lied in the depths of his soul? This was his true self? The thought made him recoil and feel a rather strong need for being sick again.

"Tom, please leave me alone for tonight." he ordered his valet in a creaky, weak voice. 

The only thing that could make everything worse would be vomiting in front of Tom. He'd certainly begin to worry greatly about his master, making a huge fuss about it, and definitely couldn't be persuaded to go away. Grey needed to be alone tonight with his thoughts only. He must fight them on his own, or let them defeat him.

"Are you sure you don't wish me to help you undress, me lord?" he inquired, standing up from the hearthrug hesitantly.

"Yes, thank you. I'll be alright." John assured him in his possibly most convincing, most tranquil tone. He could not risk Tom noticing the slightest bit of distress on him.

"Good night then, me lord." Byrd smiled at him lightly, then eventually walked out of the bedchamber.

The sound of the closing door behind him was a relief to hear. No one could disturb his internal suffering anymore. He let all the memories, feelings, thoughts and problems flood over him, attack him like a whole army. 

He was always confident enough to think he could find a way out of any difficult situation, or lead others out of one... But now, everything was slowly falling apart, everything got taken away from him, the world seemed to collapse, the last devastating waves were Jamie's words today in the stables.

Minutes passed by, might even hours as well, John had momentarily lost all perception of time. He longed for the merciful state of sleeping, but his thoughts would not quieten. 

God knows how much time after Tom's departure, he heard the door slowly open again. He should have locked it while he still had the chance.

"What is it, Tom? I asked you to leave..." Grey said, without actually glancing at the individual who entered the room, kept on staring at the ceiling with glassy eyes instead.

The door closed, only after that did he receive an answer.

"It is not Tom." whispered a low, husky voice.

John failed to believe whom he heard. It was impossible for him to be here... He must have been dreaming already, his mind confused because of today's intense happenings.

Grey sat up on his bed abruptly, to search for the source of the voice. The room appeared to be completely real, not at all dream-like, and so did the tall, red haired visitor who was standing very still in front of the wooden door, his form flickering in the faint candle light.

The two men were locking deadly glares for a few seconds. John needed to convince himself that Jamie was truly here, in his bedchamber, in the middle of the night. And his hair was wet.

Jamie's eyes felt physically piercing, John could sense how his face quickly turned red, all parts of his body began to burn, partly caused by guilt, partly because of the usual longing he experienced in Fraser's presence. 

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" he asked, still in complete disbelief. He'd become alert by now, preparing for possible assault. 

"I am not sure o' that myself." Jamie shrugged his shoulders reluctantly. 

"Well, please, do give some explanation." the younger man demanded impatiently. 

He couldn't grasp what on Earth might be Jamie's reason to come here. Grooms weren't even allowed to enter this part of the house. He must have a good reason to risk sneaking inside... 

"I think what happened today between us, is explanation enough for anything that shall come." Jamie answered, speaking very quietly. 

"That I certainly agree with..." Grey noted and suddenly took his eyes off the other man, remembering the scene again. "Are you meaning to fight me? If yes, let's settle this once and for all." his voice sounded painfully apathetic and exhausted. 

"I didna mean to fight ye." he shook his head without hesitation. "But if ye do, I'm prepared. Although, I would rather suggest another location than this room." Jamie inspected the elegant furniture cautiously. 

"I don't wish to fight you either. But then, why are you here?" Lord John asked once more. 

"I was wonderin' what ye might be feeling after..." he replied, and took few slow, uncertain steps in the direction of the bed. 

"Why would you give a damn?" Grey was surprised by the fact that such things as his feelings even cross Fraser's mind. He'd never seemed to care about them too deeply. 

"Because I think I feel the same." he confessed. 

"Where'd you get that notion? However, you've always been denying any sort of similarities between us." John observed, trying hard to understand where all this mess was supposed to lead. 

"I feel like I'd hurt ye too deeply and I want to apologise... Offer comfort." he spoke the words as they were painful to say out loud. After that, he changed to a somewhat more fierce speech. "And at the very same time, I despise the way ye happened to react, partly because yer words tempted me to a point where I coulna control myself... easily."

Jamie's glare wouldn't met Grey's as he made his disorganised confession. He himself didn't know what should be his motive to talk about these feelings. 

"For the first part of what you said, yes, I do feel the same way. I hurt you, said unforgivable things, I wish to apologise... Although I don't quite understand the other half... My words tempted you to do what? I suppose it is understandable if you felt a strong impulse to strike me. I would have deserved it." John sighed heavily, as a great weight was laid on his chest. There it was, truly; his never weakening love for James Fraser. "But so did you." he attached after a relatively long pause. 

"Aye I did." agreed the older, a sarcastic smile appeared on his face, he even gave a strange sounding, humourless laugh, then took a deep breath. "My greatest problem here is that, yer threat to make me scream while bedding me didna tempt me to strike ye, but to encourage ye to do exactly that."

John once again couldn't believe what he heard. His heart began pounding so fast he could barely manage to breathe. Jamie's words cannot be truly meant. The man had proven a hundred times that he didn't feel the slightest bit of mutual attraction. Was he playing a cruel joke on the younger? This possibility seemed to be the far most reasonable. Although, his voice sounded honest and genuinely conflicted. 

"O' course you canna believe me..." Jamie sighed as he glanced at the startled, confused other man who hadn't said anything yet. "How could ye, while I canna believe myself?" he whispered, halfway to himself. 

"I want to believe you, I want you to feel this way, more than anything in the world, but I have failed to see the reason in all this..." John said finally, having difficulty to phrase a sentence. 

"Maybe that is the point. This hasna got any reason to it. At least not from my side." Jamie laughed and took more steps to approach Grey. 

They remained silent for few seconds, both wondering what the hell comes next. The silence was growing so frustrating they could nearly feel physical pressure in the air. 

"Or maybe it does have a reason, after all." admitted Jamie, probably for the first time ever, rather to himself than John. "I havena got any... Any connection for a very long time. Then ye came, wantin' me honestly, not just wantin' to use me... If I am not mistaken."

"No, you are certainly not mistaken." John answered without hesitation. "But merely few hours ago you stated you do not believe love can exist between two men." he reminded the Scot dubiously. 

"That I did...because of several reasons." his voice suddenly became full of sorrow. He was staring at the floor blankly, eyelids turning heavy from shameful memories.

"I'd appreciate if you could tell me about them." Grey encouraged him, making effort to stay patient, but it was almost impossible to repress his frantic excitement. 

The world seemed to disappear around them, the past and the future didn't matter anymore, as they finally gave place for current, genuine feelings of their souls. It was a slow, difficult process after years of strict distance. 

The room felt so heated already as the whole house was on fire, although only their hearts were burning with dangerous flames. 

"My first reason being... Jealousy." Jamie admitted, his face going redder than his hair. "I didna want to acknowledge that it might exist between ye and... Yer stepbrother, for example. Or any man... I dinna know why, but the idea angered me to say all those... Gross accusations." 

Jamie's heart was pounding so fast he couldn't hear his own words anymore, he worried he didn't even succeed in speaking them. However, he raised his glare from the floor to see John's frightened expression testify about that he most likely did say them loudly enough. The younger was at loss of words, again. 

"The second reason I will not tell ye." he continued, after the lack of a response. "What do ye say to this?" 

John hadn't got the faintest idea how to react. He'd been waiting for this moment for so long, for the ice to break eventually, for a sparkle to light up in Jamie's heart too. The fact that there might be more than a sole sparkle was overwhelming. The unreachable, unrequited love of his life was drawn to him? 

"I say I am willing to do anything you may ask from me, whatever your heart... or your body desires." Grey offered in the possibly most confident tone. "This has been my initial intention since the very moment I first laid my eyes on you...that way."

He was already halfway roused, mainly because of the extreme levels of excitement, but the intrusive fantasies about what he desired did help the process as well. 

"You haven't come for the sole reason to tell me all this, have you?" John inquired, still scared that he might have misinterpreted Jamie's confession, although he was quite clear and straight forward. 

"No, I havena." he answered. "I came for every reason I could count. I didna plan where shall this night lead, but I... Prepared for every possibility." he gave a short, awkward laugh. 

During their whole conversation, since his unexpected arrival, Jamie was slowly walking from the door closer and closer to the other man, who was sitting on the edge of the bed by now. They barely noticed how near they got as the minutes passed by, and as the heat increased in the air between them. 

"I see." Grey smiled lightly. 

He really did see, he'd noticed it long ago; Jamie's clothes were slightly soaked with water and so were his copper locks. He didn't need any more reassurance. 

John stood up from the bed with slow, careful movements and warily approached Jamie, who stayed motionless. Only few inches distanced them from touching, he could smell the older man's masculine scent. He stared up at the tall figure, their blue glares were locked for several meaningful seconds. All of the repressed emotions and desires of the past three years got revealed at once, in both pairs of glowing eyes. 

"Do ye want me, Grey? Not only my flesh but the soul that comes with it?" whispered Jamie. 

"I want you more than anything in the world. All of you."

Jamie's slightly sweaty, trembling hands found their way down to John's hips, then pulled the shorter man even closer with a firm movement. Both of them gasped when suddenly the whole of their bodies touched, they could even feel each others' growing arousal.

John had been rather scared so far that Jamie might change his mind in any moment, and also of the possibility that he may not. He was afraid he would not...perform good enough, caused by the high level of anxiety. Although, when he eventually found himself in Jamie's arms, his warm embrace chased away all his concerns and doubts. He became certain he is ready to make love to him, whatever way he'd prefer it to happen.

When he thought they'd gotten comfortable enough in this closeness, Jamie bent down to the level of the almost one foot shorter John, and kissed him on the lips, in a particularly gentle fashion. Shyly, but he successfully made the first very difficult move. The walls that had separated them for so long were crushed down, fallen to tiny pieces, like it had never existed.

As John returned the kiss eagerly, he got lost in that moment of happiness he'd rarely experienced before. No pain, no suffering mattered anymore, only the lovely realization that Jamie's kiss is a hundred times softer than he imagined, and this magical moment is a thousand times more perfect than he thought it would be, should it become reality one day. It did.

He worried his legs might give in, he was shaking rather intensely. No wonder it would have been oddly romantic, but he didn't wish to faint in the arms of Jamie. He must enjoy every second of this night, as consciously as possible.

Grey put his hands on the Scot's stubbled face, kept on holding and caressing him while the kiss lasted. Jamie was his, only his at this special moment. He had a hard time comprehending, how could all this be happening? Were Jamie's arms truly embracing him tighter and tighter by every second? Was his kiss getting more and more passionate?

In Jamie's arms, existed no danger, no fear, only safety, peace. John wished he felt similarly about him; that he was comforted, protected from his own demons and those in the outside world.

The older's hands eventually lingered lower, which had taken Grey by so great surprise he almost jumped. What comes next? the question struck him again. 

"Can I touch ye?" Jamie asked hesitantly, panting after the quite sensual kiss. 

He could clearly sense his partner's sudden fright. Jamie was nervous enough himself, but what they had started, could not be stopped anymore. Their feelings and desires had already escaped from their cages, were running wild freely all over the place. 

"Of course..." replied the younger faintly, then recovered from the mild shock of Jamie's hands searching for his breeches' entrance. "You are allowed to do... Anything. What I need to know is, what do you wish me to do?" he formed the awkward but necessary question eventually. The last thing he intended was accidentally making Jamie uncomfortable, so he must have asked for some instructions... 

"Well, it is quite simple, Major." he smiled lightly, caressing John's pale face in a calming manner. "Take me to yer bed and make me scream." Jamie laughed despite himself, observing the shorter's puzzled glare staring up at him so helplessly it was adorable. "I know, the screaming part is not verra ideal here... But if you would make me scream, by God, let it be from pleasure." 

John interpreted his wish as to avoid any kind of violence, cause great pleasure, with the power of gentleness. Also, after Jamie's statement, it could be easily guessed who shall be on which side. This outcome was genuinely unexpected for him, he wouldn't have guessed that he'd have the chance to be in his preferred position, in the case of Jamie Fraser. However, with him, he wouldn't mind either way. 

Jamie reached into his breeches, this sudden action was followed by a frightened gasp, but after that, Grey tried to give himself entirely to the enjoyment caused by Jamie's firm stroking. The whole scene felt completely unreal. He was almost instantly finished, but controlled it, not wanting to dirty his clothes. 

"Ye have a rather sizeable thing... Compared to yer height." observed Jamie, probably reconsidering his previous wish. 

"Well, it's quite disappointing to learn that you thought less of me..." but it wasn't disappointing at all to know that Jamie had been thinking about such things now and again. "Wait a minute." John said as an important detail crossed his mind. 

He stepped away from Jamie, and started searching for something on the wooden desk in the corner of the room. The older watched all his movements eagerly, trying to figure out what he was doing. Few seconds later he lifted up a key from the table, hurried to the door and locked it, left the key in the hole. 

"Having intruders would be extremely unfortunate." he noted casually. 

"Well, it shows that ye are the more practiced one..." Jamie commented with slight disapproval in his tone, and even rolled his eyes. 

John pretended he didn't hear his remark, and continued everything where they left off a minute ago; he firmly grabbed Jamie's hand, led him to the bed. He sat down, the furniture creaking a little under his weight. On fair terms, it was Grey's job to take the next steps, being the more experienced one. Jamie had most likely never been in the position he volunteered to be in, now... Well, definitely not in the case of a consensual intercourse; the memory of that meaningful, shattered expression on his face at the end of their heated argument earlier today, appeared in John's mind, as a picture of a nightmare. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to chase away the memory. When he opened them again to see Jamie's current, delighted expression, looking forward every pleasure this night shall bring. His glare radiated warmness and contentment. Being able to witness this kind of sparkling in the older's eyes made John happier than any physical pleasure ever will.


	2. A glimpse of his soul

Jamie was lying on his back motionlessly, soft quilts and pillows surrounded him, which still held John's scent. He'd never been close to the man enough to memorise or recognise it, but after their embrace, he would certainly always remember. 

The thought occurred to him that merely half an hour before, Grey was lying on this exact same spot, fighting his own guilt and processing the conflicting events of earlier today; Jamie was certain of this because he'd done the very same. Then, he wisely decided that contemplating won't solve a thing, but action might. So far, he didn't feel the slightest bit of regret, regarding his rather bold choice. However, it wasn't much of a choice, rather a strong instinct, an endless yearning to finally speak his heart, admit his feelings which even he himself could barely put into words. Now, the truth was free and his whole being felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted from him. Sometimes one doesn't even notice his chains until they eventually fall off, with a really loud clang. 

The most unexpected thing was, after all, that John didn't happen to suffer a heart attack when Jamie straight-forwardly asked him to take him to bed. He calculated the possibility that he may do so, and a part of him dimly thought, maybe that would be the best outcome, none of them having to suffer from the consequences of this reckless night, and it would be over... Truly, he'd never wished this to happen, deep inside his heart, Jamie had always cared and worried for John, even if he wouldn't show it under any circumstances. 

Grey had looked quite faint during the whole scene, but managed to remain composed and confident while giving answers or asking questions. Anyhow, Jamie had been alert the entire time, should he catch him if he'd passed out. While they'd been embracing, the older could clearly sense his friend's trembling and wild heart rate. Fortunately, John had relaxed in his arms quickly, just like a horse that realised it'd gotten firghtened solely by the rustle of the wind. 

Hours ago, Jamie could only imagine the two of them meeting again resulting in cold blooded murder, or at least violence. Although, at the moment he found himself in Grey's bed, entirely stripped of clothes, the smaller man leaning over him in the same naked state. They were over with the semi-awkward process of undressing and other means of preparation. Now should come what shall bring them together and connect them to each other for a lifetime, or separate them, shatter their friendship forever. 

John went through extreme levels of nervousness, but didn't let himself reach the point of mindless panic. He needed to remind himself a hundred times that he'd done this before, with a lot of men, thus he was certainly able do it with Jamie Fraser... Only in such a special moment did he realise how most of his affairs lacked deeper emotions and genuine connection. No matter how experienced he was with men in general, it was a painfully long time ago when he actually did something similar out of love. - In the case of Percy, it's complicated to tell what it was exactly, and he didn't wish to think about it now. - The difference appeared to be devastatingly drastic. 

John hinted soft kisses on Jamie's neck, who held him close firmly with one hand, and stroked his blond hair with another. Then, he traveled lower, to the auburn-hair covered chest, but didn't stop there. Jamie gasped suddenly as his partner touched his sensitive erection, and started stroking it gently, although he obviously had other intentions as well.

"Damn, ye have soft hands like a lass..." he moaned and squirmed in a quite abrupt, uncontrolled manner. 

Grey did have some idea just how long ago could Jamie have his last chance to lie with a woman. Several years ago, to be sure. No wonder he was awfully hungry for intimacy. Whatever the reason, though, him reacting with such intense, obvious satisfaction was the possibly greatest pleasure for John. After a little teasing with his hands, he eventually took Jamie in his mouth. He was rather thankful for his past experiences, otherwise he wouldn't attempt to handle such sizes...

Jamie gasped, completely taken by surprise. Grey could feel the muscles of his thighs twitch, his whole body stiffen.

Though already too late, it occurred to him that maybe he shouldn't have done this, but the small moans of pleasure assured him, his action was merely unexpected by his partner. Well, it was probably the very first time when another man did this to him.

After a few almost animal-like, muffled grunts Jamie finished; it happened quite quickly, although John tried to be soft and slow. 

"I- I thought-" Jamie attempted to attach something to the previous event, but he was absolutely out of breath, still panting from the wave of pleasure. Also, he seemed to be in a strange condition characterised by frantic excitement mixed with disbelief of the very reality around him; he had difficulty finding words.

"Take your time." John laughed a little awkwardly, being in the exact same state of mind. 

He wiped his mouth lamely with the top of his hand, then lied down so close to Jamie as their sweaty skin touched. Instead of fiercely proceeding with the intercourse, he tried his best to control himself, let his partner process the events and express his feelings about it if he liked. 

Lying there, he felt certain he could watch Jamie's chest move up and down forever, he longed to stay in this unique moment of peaceful madness. This was a moment when reality and the desires of his heart emerged. He became aware of Jamie's already loose, red stripes touching his face, and once again felt unbearable regret that this specific minute could not be endless. 

"I thought if ye were to... Then I..." Jamie broke the silence, once more attempting to phrase his statement, in a shy tone. 

Grey wondered if he'd make it easier for him if he tried to guess what he meant, but concluded it might turn the scene into a bigger disaster. 

"I thought I was supposed to... Do such things... To ye." he eventually succeeded to say what he intended, not even accidentally glancing at his partner. 

"Why?" John asked with instinctive curiosity, but then found the answer by himself; Jamie most likely had no idea how this was supposed to work. He probably thought he'd volunteered for the role of the woman, or the submissive person, who should please the other in any way he'd be expected to do so. 

"Because-"he trailed off, rephrasing his answer one more time."Isna the... Er... Woman party who needs to...?" 

"There is no woman party, and no roles at all!" Grey laughed, interrupting Jamie's confused babbling, to quickly clarify some very important facts. "Unless you wish otherwise, of course." he spoke very softly, and put his hand on Jamie's, who instantly curled his fingers around it. "The entire point is that we should both enjoy it, and no one needs to play any roles or do anything that doesn't feel quite comfortable." he explained, careful with the words. 

"Really?" Jamie's amazement was absolutely unmasked, his jaw literally dropped in surprise. "I dinna need to submit to ye entirely to give ye pleasure?" 

"What kind of man do you think I am?" John demanded, not very mildly offended, the memories from earlier today striking him mercilessly. 

"That doesna matter because it seems I was greatly mistaken." he said regretfully, squeezing Grey's hands firmly. 

"I can assure you that you were indeed." John's voice was still a little angry, or rather slightly histerical, although he knew he shouldn't blame Jamie the slightest. 

"In all honesty, I didna mean to insult ye. Not now... I truly hope I didna ruin the night." he spoke in a low voice, facing his partner for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. His dark blue glare was radiating seriousness as it met John's ice blue eyes. 

"No. Not at all." he responded, starting to ease eventually, smiling lightly. Jamie smiled back, then motioned forward and kissed him, warm hands still entangled. 

"On the contrary, though." noted John as to himself, when their lips parted. 

"What?" asked Jamie, clueless of what he meant. 

"Being able to submit myself to you entirely gives me the most pleasure. Although, I believed it was obvious, after what I said to your confession." he ventured back to the previous discussion. 

"Well, it probably should ha' been, but I..." 

"It's absolutely alright that you have doubts... About me, and everything. The most important is, that we should clarify these things...before serious misunderstandings happen." Grey realised that he must put aside his pride, and be patient with his friend. He was sensible enough to conclude that Jamie did have a good reason to be thinking awful things about his kind, beyond the common, gross myths surrounding sodomites. 

"Thank ye for... Understanding." all of a sudden, his voice sounded so tired, his face went blank for several seconds, as he left his body, but then he came back to life, fortunately. "I'd like to ask two things of ye."

"Go on, then."

"Please, be gentle... At least in the beginning. And always do it face to face. I need to... See ye." Jamie proposed his wishes, his cheeks going redder with every second. 

"Alright. I will do exactly as you wish." John promised generously, then once again crawled on top of Jamie, found his way between his legs. 

The big body was slightly trembling under him, nervously waiting for what's coming next. He used oil on both himself and Jamie, in case to prevent painful, uncomfortable penetration. His partner's muscles twitched under his hands as he applied the substance with experienced, steady movements. 

Everything was ready; they felt more scared than at any other point of this strange night. Their glares were locked again, both of them fighting the urge to look away. John gently got hold of Jamie's hands, who squeezed them in reassurance. Then their bodies connected eventually, and so did their lost, lonely souls. Both closed their eyes in the very moment they felt each other for the first time, then gave themselves to the intoxicating pleasure. 

Jamie opened his eyes after the first few seconds. He consciously needed to connect what he felt to the person he saw, unless he might freak out at some point, and he really didn't want to. John did it very slowly, and gently - as he wished -, careful with every movement, every touch. Jamie knew that he had a more or less vague idea about what may had happened to him in the past... 

After a while, he didn't need to convince his senses anymore that he was with John, and not someone else. The whole thing was entirely different from the very beginning and this pattern fortunately continued. Grey loved him for more than his body, his touch didn't feel threatening or forceful at all, rather protective. 

John forgot almost all of his self-consciousness by now, and concentrated entirely on meeting Jamie's wishes. They didn't even slightly get in the way of his own enjoyment; nothing could, save for accidentally causing Jamie discomfort. 

He tried not to think about the highly probable possibility that the beginning had to be somewhat painful for his partner, being unaccustomed to such ways of physical intercourse. Jamie didn't complain, though, yet John was afraid he might be hurting him. Jamie was twice his size in every dimension, extremely strong and muscular, but this knowledge didn't help him feeling like he could break the man under him into small pieces, in an unguarded moment. 

The fragile thing wasn't Jamie's body, but this strange night, the circumstances, the future of their relationship after this. Although, John must have put these concerning factors aside momentarily, since he had a much more important activity to engage in. 

None of them happened to be overly loud, partly because of the still lingering shyness, partly because they weren't alone in the house, a wandering maid could easily hear them from the hallway, should they truly start screaming or make sounds in a similar volume. Merely the rhythmic creaking of the bed was somewhat loud, if not worryingly. 

At some point, when he thought he might be really close to finish, John noticed that Jamie was starting right at him with his piercing dark blue glare. He only closed his eyes when the greatest waves of pleasure hit him, strong spasms ran through his whole body, left him whimpering and panting. In that brief moment, he was Grey's, wholly and genuinely. Neither of them thought about anything or anyone else, but the other, and how intoxicating it felt to be loved, wanted. 

Jamie locked John in an iron-strong embrace, and didn't care to let go of him, even if he might get very close to accidentally strangling the man. John squirmed a little, but then accepted his fate when he found a position in which he could breathe. 

Jamie had come here to comfort John after their fight in the stables, or rather to examine if he was worthy of being comforted... Or just to make sure he was alright - which he obviously wasn't, then. He truly prepared for every outcome he could logically think of, but the possibility that actually John would comfort him - successfully - in the end, had seemed absurdly unthinkable. After the things he had said in the stables, no matter his momentary anger, Jamie could not imagine him to be as he really was; affectionate, gentle, patient. For the first time in extremely long years, Jamie was given love, the kind of love he thought would never exist in his life ever again. Of course it wasn't the same as before, although it was much more than enough for him right now. Maybe just momentarily crazed by the recent orgasm, but the idea occurred to him that he could accept John Grey as his lover. 

Grey wished he had the ability to read Jamie's mind as he was lying pinned to his heaving, sweaty chest. What could be the true feelings of the heart he was hearing pound insanely fast? Though, he wasn't sure if he heard his own heartbeat, Jamie's, or both. An unfamiliar sense of contentment filled his whole being as the iron-grip loosened, and one hand began caressing his hair very softly. The queer thought crossed his mind that this exact scene mildly gives the impression as if they were long-time lovers.

None of them said anything before they continued the act of pleasure. No words were needed for that, they have found the same language to speak with their touch. The connection was successful for the first time, and now nothing could get in its way; it rapidly grew stronger throughout the night. 

Jamie had eventually learned what was John's genuine self like. He only now realised that he'd been cluelessly wondering for years, from strict distance, instead of actually trying to find a real answer. Grey was a mystery to him he had been scared to solve, because of the consequence, which was that his own repressed feelings might come to light if he catches a glimpse of the truth. Jamie buried them in the darkest depths of his soul, but he could never kill them entirely. They haunted him from time to time, reminding him of their existence he couldn't dismiss forever. 

Momentarily, he couldn't sense any guilt for his pleasure even if he wished to, because he gave happiness to John as well, not only himself. He remembered John had said something quite similar. 

Jamie experienced the exact opposite of his trauma, and his idea of this between two men in general. He was on the opinion that sodomy was a selfish act in every case, and could never be based on entirely mutual attraction, let alone love or respect. His theory proved to be more than wrong as he squirmed under Grey, moaning, yearning for his touch that set his skin and soul on fire. John held his wide, massive hips and tried to pull him closer and closer, aching to feel him as much as possible by thrusting his full length into him. 

At this point he wasn't overly gentle anymore, but carefully prevented himself from accidentally becoming too wild. He couldn't lose control, couldn't risk anything that would make Jamie feel unsafe. John paid attention to all of his reactions; the small or bigger movements, the sounds, the expressions. All he ever interpreted to see appeared to be enjoyment and arousal. He hoped to be right, and also hoped that Jamie would stop him if he did something wrong. John had no doubts he would, though. 

Now he saw the same crazed sparkling in Jamie's eyes that terrified him in the stables before he hurried out. Then, he thought it's the look of rage and hunger for violence, but learned from Jamie that it was a different kind of passionate temptation. He himself confessed it very clearly, and the truth has been proved every time John's eyes met the dark blue glare during their heated intercourse. 

God knows how much time had passed between the minute Jamie stepped inside the bedchamber unexpectedly, and the moment when they finally exhausted their bodies completely, though not their hunger for each other's touch. Nothing could extinguish this newly inflamed fire, or at least new in Jamie's case. 

They collapsed on the bed next to each other, Jamie cradled John's small form tightly to him, who buried his face in his neck, feeling the thick red locks caressing his skin. Their bodies were sticky with sweat and other fluids, but John couldn't be bothered to interrupt this moment of beauty for the sake of washing up. That could wait. Gross as it might be, he wanted to feel all of Jamie on himself for as long as possible. 

When his friend's breathing became suspiciously slow and regular against his neck, Jamie searched for Grey's warm hand somewhere pressed between them, and lightly squeezed it, asking; 'Are ye no already asleep, ye bastard?' John squeezed back a little more firmly, answering; 'Of course I'm not, how in the name of God could I be while you are still here?' He wouldn't miss a fraction of a second spent with Jamie; he determined to fight against the forces of physical exhaustion. 

Jamie, contented by the response, smiled in the dark kissed John's forehead. They remained silent for a good while, still communicated strictly with touches, as though speaking would break the magic spell that separated them from the outside world. Speaking would be equal to acknowledging that Jamie needed to leave soon, to sneak out of the house before dawn. Although, there were matters they must discuss, after what had passed between them. 

None of them had the faintest idea what to say, where shall they start. Communicating with words had always been a difficulty for them, with each other. Most of their conflicts could be mainly originated from this specific problem. 

During the years of their acquaintance, Jamie's subconscience was always stubbornly telling him that he must not trust Grey's words, thus he terribly misinterpreted them, saw ulterior motives and bad intention behind them, even when there wasn't any to be found. It was merely the effect of the never healing past wounds. John understood and accepted this, although often couldn't help but get deeply hurt by Jamie's defence mechanism, since he had feelings too, naturally. 

Tonight they have found a way of communication that couldn't be misunderstood by any chance. Most of their conflicts that ever existed had been dissolved, carried away by an invisible current. Anything may come in the future, there must be nothing but the truth between them, from now on. They became naked in front of each other, not only in the literal meaning of the word; they have also seen one another's soul, or at least a glimpse of it. Lying and ulterior motives seemed absolutely unthinkable after this. Might this be the starting point of deep trust?

"Is it worse if I say goodbye, or if I let ye fall asleep before leaving?" Jamie's husky voice broke the long silence.

"I couldn't fall asleep for the world, so it seems there aren't many options." John concluded sadly. He couldn't bear the thought that soon Jamie's warm embrace would disappear from around him."Please don't go yet."

"I wilna go just yet, but once I must." he stated the facts.

"Right." John agreed briefly. 

He must say something else! This night could not be dismissed with a simple goodbye. Everything had changed, everything! The greatest desire of his heart had come true. 

"Was this one of the possible outcomes you thought of?" he asked Jamie eventually, with genuine interest.

"It was, but I didna think it verra likely." Jamie admitted, following an awkward laugh. "I didna bath in ice-cold water to be clean in case ye kill me. Although, it seemed more realistic." 

"To be sure... And even more realistic that you kill me first." John observed, and a shiver ran down his spine, remembering the moment when Jamie stepped inside the bedroom.

"I could still manage that, though." he started mocking his friend as he noticed his sudden shiver. 

He pressed John to his chest with both arms, very strongly for a second, just like he intended to suffocate him. He really couldn't breathe. In this speficic disadvantageous position, he probably would have failed to free himself from the deadly grip.

"Don't do that!" John said in a mildly histerical tone as the embrace finally loosened. 

"Dinna like it?" Jamie pretended to be surprised. 

"Certainly not." he answered with a noticable edge to his tone.

"Calm down, ye wee fool. If I wanted to strangle ye, I would be done with it by now." Jamie laughed, obviously entertained. 

"I'm very pleased to hear that." John said, not in a tone that indicated being very pleased, but he was, nonetheless. 

Jamie realised that he accidentally led the conversation to a a direction that lacked seriousness, so he attempted to lead it back to a similar point where Grey started it.

"I know ye want to hear it. Ye want to hear it so bad." he started in a half-whispering, overly passionate voice.

"What are you talking about?" John asked, wondering what the hell had gotten into him, for real. 

"Ye had made me scream - internally." Jamie confessed, attaching that very important detail in the end. "Wish I could ha' truly done that, but the whole house would ha' heard..." 

"Is this... Does this mean something good, Jamie?" he muttered in helpless confusion. 

"What did I ask of ye?" he phrased a new question instead of answering. 

"To make you scream, and then to be gentle." 

"Exactly." Jamie paused for a few long seconds, then stated honestly; "And man, ye did it well." 

"Really?" John exclaimed, unbelieving despite having witnessed his friend's unmistakable enjoyment earlier. 

"Have some confidence! I thought I'd rather die than do something like what we did - and after all, ye gave me more pleasure with it than ye can imagine." he said conversationally, then kissed John quickly, before he could phrase further doubts about the matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I'm so sorry, but I am very amateur at writing erotic scenes... Anyways, I hope it was still enjoyable, if not for that part... Please, feel free to give feedback, let me know your opinion on my work, I'd very much appreciate it^^  
> Probably this will have more chapters, though. 
> 
> PS there is a reference to my other favourite show, but guess no one will find it...


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